Society

PEOPLE dabbling in the occult need to show more dedication if they are to succeed at 'the craft', according to top coven leaders.

GLOBAL society is to be re-organised on the assumption that everyone has dementia.

EMPTY disabled parking spaces have become almost irresistible after it emerged that most badge holders are probably lying anyway.

VIOLENT, handsome midgets are to pose as choirboys in radical new measures against predatory priests, it has been announced.

A BOAR is to have his tenth litter by 10 different sows, ultimately costing the UK taxpayer as much as £2 million.

A STRIKE by Britain's binmen could force rubbish to stay in neat piles instead of being flung all over the place willy-nilly, it was claimed last night.

GETTING married provides an excellent excuse to deliberately lose touch with your more tiresome friends, according to new data.

EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.

THE future of British ice cream adverts was thrown into doubt last night as the industry watchdog ruled they can no longer offend Roman Catholics.

OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.