Society

EVERY family in Britain lives no more than 50 miles from a predatory, News of the World phone beast, it has emerged.

BRITAIN'S five year-olds have dismissed opera as a big gay thing full of benders.

BRITAIN'S already-overstretched Ikea stores cannot cope with a growing population, it was claimed last night.

INDUSTRIAL action by teachers will not undermine pupils' lack of respect for them, it has been confirmed.

AS the country's public servants once again challenge Britain to notice the difference, experts have issued an essential guide to national strike etiquette.

TOMORROW'S public sector strike could leave UK airports exactly the same in every conceivable way, it was warned last night.

IMMIGRATION regulations keeping the country free of artists have been welcomed by people who are not dicks.

PARENTS across Britain are to capture Michael Gove in a big net and then beat him with a sock full of pennies.

BRITAIN was today enjoying the sight of the bitch in their office sweating like a filthy pig on heat.

MANCHESTER has become a self-sufficient vortex of annihilation, scientists have confirmed.