Society

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month's royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

MONEY and the objects that can be purchased with it will continue to be everyone's top priority, it has been confirmed.

BRITAIN'S maths teachers are freaks, it has emerged.

HUGH Laurie is to release his first blues album detailing the trials of being an exceptionally-rich white man.

THE majority of UK citizens now look down on almost everyone else in the country, according to a new report.

TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.

BRITAIN'S general feeling that all is lost has jumped by almost a third in the last quarter.

THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.