Society

AUCTIONEERS have discovered an unpublished Enid Blyton manuscript about a group of children who spend the summer deporting gypsies.

STREET fundraisers are to be psychologically re-conditioned to reduce their self-confidence to human levels.

HUMANS are to continue to base their societies on a highly toxic substance that obviously costs far too much money.

BRITAIN's ongoing economic turmoil could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

BRITAIN today asked Melanie Phillips to wait a second while it settled into its favourite chair with a big bag of crisps.

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.

THE Campaign for Common Sense Clamping scored a fresh victory last night as a clamper was killed and his mutilated body put on display as a warning to others.

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste time asking annoying, smart-arse questions, research has discovered.