Society

THOUGHTFULNESS is on the increase across the UK with some people taking almost four seconds to choose a Mother's Day present, it has emerged.

THOUSANDS of heads were exploding across Britain today as people tried to work out which Daily Mail story was a hoax.

ENRAGED people may be forced to return to their slightly depressing lives unless they can find a new cause, it has emerged.

THE closure of record shops is exposing the general public to the borderline humans that worked in them, it has emerged.

BANNING cars from UK town centres would rob urban Britain of its most attractive feature, it has been claimed.

THE Metropolitan Police have vowed that next month's royal wedding will be a glorious pageant of tear gassed wonder.

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

MONEY and the objects that can be purchased with it will continue to be everyone's top priority, it has been confirmed.

BRITAIN'S maths teachers are freaks, it has emerged.

HUGH Laurie is to release his first blues album detailing the trials of being an exceptionally-rich white man.