Society

THE Daily Mail has only ever hacked into the voices inside Paul Dacre's head, the paper's editor confirmed yesterday.

BRITAIN spent last night staring at the ceiling with its duvet clutched tightly under its chin.

FORMER Metropoltan Police commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson 'had no idea' Champneys was a luxury health spa when he agreed to go there for a three week-long freebie.

PEOPLE who like barbecues are freaks, it has emerged.

HARDENED criminals in several UK prisons have begun rioting at the prospect of sharing a cell with a Murdoch.

THERE is a one-in-three chance that your infant is foreign, it has been claimed.

NORTHERNERS may soon be living in tunnels while those in the south grow to nine feet tall and float around, it was claimed last night.

RUPERT Murdoch will tell the Commons Culture Committee later today that he could kill them all by merely wishing it into being.

PRIVATE investigators fear that the respectability of their profession may never fully recover following the News International scandal, it has emerged.

AS the rancid truth about Britain's puppet-masters continues to unravel, a country once sedated by telly and shiny things has become almost vaguely interested.