Society

THE majority of UK citizens now look down on almost everyone else in the country, according to a new report.

TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.

BRITAIN'S general feeling that all is lost has jumped by almost a third in the last quarter.

THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.

THE majority of British women would come a distant second to a flame-grilled bacon and cheddar beef burger in a bap, according to a new survey.

THOUSANDS of heavily armed troops are to be deployed across Britain to make sure everyone enjoys the Royal wedding.

WALES has proclaimed Merthyr Tydfil to be its greatest ever achievement.

PLANS to thrust a huge metal phallus back and forth between Birmingham and London are not about me, transport secretary Philip Hammond has claimed.

THE Daily Mail achieved perfection today after publishing a photograph of Eva Braun posing as a black man.

BRITAIN is today extending a gracious invitation to the public sector to suck on it until they gag.