Society

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

BRITAIN today asked Melanie Phillips to wait a second while it settled into its favourite chair with a big bag of crisps.

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.

THE Campaign for Common Sense Clamping scored a fresh victory last night as a clamper was killed and his mutilated body put on display as a warning to others.

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste time asking annoying, smart-arse questions, research has discovered.

BRITISH multiculturalism officially collapsed yesterday after Mrs Patel neglected to return a Catherine Cookson book belonging to her white neighbour, Margaret Gerving.

LAST year saw a record increase in the number of obvious lies about embarrassing surgery scars.

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend's disgusting pile of crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.

BRITAIN is the angry, racist, old widower who lives in that decrepit house at the end of the street, the UN has confirmed.