It's not telly if you watch it on a computer, say middle class people

MIDDLE class people have asserted their right to feel smug about not having a television despite watching exactly the same shit on computers.

As it was revealed that television ownership in America has fallen for the first time in 20 years, Britain’s middle classes chimed in with a subtle but distinct hint of smugness to announce that they had gotten rid of theirs years ago, actually.

Social worker and mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Television is an inherently evil medium and big plasma screens emit invisible tentacles, only visible under UV light, that penetrate your childrens’ eyes and molest their brains to make them want guns fried in batter.

“I know this because I watched a documentary about it on my PowerBook.”

She continued: “Watching iPlayer is however fine because it’s zeitgeisty and you look like you might be doing something clever with video editing software.

“It allows us to be more selective about our viewing material and to pretend we haven’t a clue about crass cultural references like Come Dine With Me, because how would we, we haven’t got a television.

“Part of me does understand that this is not logical, but as ever it has been overruled by the other part that wants strangers to think I’m worth knowing.”

Technology pundit Stephen Malley said: “In an age where you can watch The Only Way Is Essex on anything from a telephone to a genetically-tweaked cyborg horse, not having a television set is no longer enough to absolve you from being scum.

“Your home laptop may have more processing power than all of Cape Canaverel used to, but it’s still really just a telly that irradiates your genitals and stops working every two minutes.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

'Team 6' to become film, boy band and washing-up sponge

THE elite special forces team that killed Osama bin Laden is to inspire a big-budget film, an edgy boy band and a no-nonsense dish washing sponge.

Experts predict that Team 6, the crack squad of Navy Seals that is so shrouded in secrecy that no-one even knows what its name is, will be the brand of the decade.

Martin Bishop, product name analyst at Madeley Finnegan, said: “‘Team’ is a very powerful brand concept and allows you to have different team members who identify with a wide range of demographics. Charlie’s Angels appealed to three different shades of hair colour, while The A-Team appealed to pensioners, black people, the handsome and the severely mentally ill.

“And six is a very important sounding number, especially for people who can only count to seven.”

In Hollywood, Tom Cruise took out a full-page advert in Variety warning that if anyone stops him from being cast as the ‘brave, sensitive, glistening soldier’ who ultimately kills Bin Laden, he will shoot them in the face.

The film is expected to inspire a TV series which will see the team controlled from a secret base in downtown Los Angeles by a powerful woman who gives as good as she gets and has amazing tits.

The series will then inspire a series of other series including Team 6: Waziristan, Team 6: Massive Erection, Team 6: 24 divided by 4 and Team 6: Midsomer Takedown.

Members of the elite Team 6 boy band will be chosen by a TV audience with producers stressing the successful contestants will be able to sneak undetected into the bedroom of a teenage girl or gay man before having his way with them.

And health giant Procter and Gamble is developing an elite, Team 6 toothpaste with six key ingredients that will tackle the six causes of gum odour.

Meanwhile, the Team 6 washing-up sponge promises to terminate grease and dried-up food bits with ‘extreme prejudice’.

A spokesman said: “Caked-on food will have nowhere to hide, even if it’s in a massive, fortified kitchen in Pakistan.”

Next story ›