Society

Society To Be Re-Organised Around Dementia

GLOBAL society is to be re-organised on the assumption that everyone has dementia.

Disabled parking spaces more alluring than ever

EMPTY disabled parking spaces have become almost irresistible after it emerged that most badge holders are probably lying anyway.

Psycho Midgets To Become Undercover Choirboys

VIOLENT, handsome midgets are to pose as choirboys in radical new measures against predatory priests, it has been announced.

Boar Sires 80 Piglets By 10 Different Sows

A BOAR is to have his tenth litter by 10 different sows, ultimately costing the UK taxpayer as much as £2 million.

Bin Strike Could Clear Streets Of Rubbish

A STRIKE by Britain's binmen could force rubbish to stay in neat piles instead of being flung all over the place willy-nilly, it was claimed last night.

Marriage provides great opportunity to ditch annoying friends

GETTING married provides an excellent excuse to deliberately lose touch with your more tiresome friends, according to new data.

Experts To Decide If Pupils Or Teachers Are Morons

EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.

If Ice Cream Adverts Can't Offend Catholics Then What Are They For? Asks Britain

THE future of British ice cream adverts was thrown into doubt last night as the industry watchdog ruled they can no longer offend Roman Catholics.

Cuts Will Cause Lesbian Riots, Say Outreach Workers

OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.

Drunk Children To Be To Taught How To Look After Drunk Children

THOUSANDS of drunk British children could be spared serious illness and injury if their drunk friends were trained to look after them, experts have claimed.