Society

THE song from the Boots adverts has created an unstoppable strain of demented, screeching harpie, experts claimed last night.

ANIMAL rights groups have called for a ban on a new range of provocative padded beachwear for pets.

THOUSANDS of people across Britain are planning an early start to the weekend today as the Icelandic volcano presented them a fascinating new excuse.

PRIESTS who are gay are 100% more likely to have sex with men rather than boys, experts have claimed.

A PLAN to install slop buckets in homes and offices has raised concerns that being environmentally-friendly could start to become a bit of a pain in the arse again.

RESTAURANTS across Britain are being urged to stop serving food that looks like a lady's fandango.

POLICE in Kent have removed a makeshift sign that warned drivers and pedestrians about nearby Daily Mail readers.

ROYAL Mail deliveries are arriving later than ever, and frequently drenched in semen, it was claimed yesterday.

PROTESTANT child molesters last night warned they were becoming the 'forgotten men' of Christian paedophilia.

PUPILS across the UK are to have the absolute screaming bejesus scared out of them on a weekly basis, under changes to the national curriculum.