Society

THE BT adverts featuring that bastard couple are causing Britain's average IQ to fall off a cliff, according to new research.

JUSTICE secretary Kenneth Clarke still thinks there are people in Britain who do not believe in capital punishment for just about everything, it emerged today.

THE winner of the Miss Cornwall beauty contest has been stripped of the title after he turned out to be from Devon.

THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking animals and cute, furry jobs, the government has confirmed.

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.

THOUSANDS of children across the UK have told their parents to buy them a bionic cat, or upgrade their existing cat to bionic status.

EDUCATION spending cuts will be managed by sending the dimmest quarter of pupils home to spend more time with their chew toys.

MILLIONS of grandmothers across England are expected to pass away some time tomorrow morning, it has been confirmed.

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.