Society

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

NINETEEN women are in custody after a branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain's biggest milf brawl.

THE government is to introduce tax breaks that will encourage two people to draw up elaborate plans for murder.

A CANADIAN zoo has announced plans to construct a specialist nightclub for its homosexual animals.

TROUBLED families will be helped by a great big Scottish bloke who is taking none of their shit.

THE government has laid out its vision of a modern high street based around Britain's love of fighting.

STUNNED archaeologists believe they have found the ancient former home of the notorious writer and sorceress Lizzie Jones.

WAYNE Rooney may not return from his UEFA hearing today amid fears he will be kept in quarantine for six months.

PARENTS last night asked schools if there was any chance they could, for the love of God, just teach their children.

WOMEN are being advised to prepare for the aftermath of having sex with someone they hate.