Society

NORTHERNERS may soon be living in tunnels while those in the south grow to nine feet tall and float around, it was claimed last night.

RUPERT Murdoch will tell the Commons Culture Committee later today that he could kill them all by merely wishing it into being.

PRIVATE investigators fear that the respectability of their profession may never fully recover following the News International scandal, it has emerged.

AS the rancid truth about Britain's puppet-masters continues to unravel, a country once sedated by telly and shiny things has become almost vaguely interested.

THE final edition of News of the World has given liberal middle earners a long-awaited opportunity to immerse themselves in red-top squalor, it has emerged.

THE readership of the Mail on Sunday will increase, it is as simple as that, experts warned last night.

QUESTIONS were being raised last night over exactly what kind of person Rupert Murdoch thinks you are.

SATAN worshipping royal bride the Duchess of Cambridge has spoken of her hopes for a progeny that will rule over a dark realm of endless evil.

THE full extent of the online hacking scandal was exposed last night as millions of perfectly normal people found themselves on the same side of an argument as the Guardian.

EVERY family in Britain lives no more than 50 miles from a predatory, News of the World phone beast, it has emerged.