Society

EVEN Britons without lawns have begun using hosepipes as the determination to disregard a ban has kicked in.

THE true story of Easter closely mirrors that of the Alien films, it has emerged.

AS the Easter break looms, thousands are preparing for pleasure trips that will not quite be worth the monumental amount of bother involved.

FORGETFUL former BSkyB chairman James Murdoch has claimed he had no idea he had resigned.

A GOVERNMENT that can barely send an email has unveiled somewhat ambitious plans to rule the web with an iron fist.

A WHOLLY unremarkable, paunchy slob from Birmingham perfectly represents the man of today, it has been claimed.

THE government has executed thousands of thickset men following an announcement that was construed as an April Fool's Day stunt.

A CRAZED motorist is brandishing a mobile phone on a garage forecourt, it has emerged.

A RADICAL mouse is in a nervous stand-off with security guards after threatening to defecate on some Muller yoghurts in a London Tesco.

BRITAIN was celebrating yesterday after discovering something it actually gives a toss about.