Society

BRITAIN is to be dipped in antiseptic after hearing the oozing testimony of Kelvin Mackenzie.

DOZENS of popular candidates have emerged for the first round of semi-voluntary lethal injections.

A CAT that has returned to its owners after spending a week missing cannot recall where it has been.

SMOKERS who officially gave up on New Year's Day have clarified what 'giving up' actually means.

RACE has been named as today's topic about which Britain will talk angry, ill-informed shit.

MOST of Britain could cheerfully go on a three-day session after just one day back at work, it has emerged.

THE Daily Mail has today launched a five year plan to prevent exactly as much racism as it creates.

WOMEN MPs who get all dolled-up and pose for men's magazines are not taken seriously, experts have claimed.

PRINCE Philip has begun a damage limitation exercise after human remains were discovered at Sandringham.

THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.