Prince William desperate for threesome

THE Duke of Cambridge’s ’30 things to do before you’re 30′ list gives him less than 24 hours to have a threesome, it has emerged.

William, who celebrates his 30^th birthday on Thursday, initially tried to persuade his wife of one year to get it on with him and Cheryl Cole as part of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations earlier this month, but was firmly rebuffed.

A subsequent Royal decree ordering Jordan and ‘the blonde one off Countdown’ to meet the prince behind a Buckingham Palace sentry box was cancelled after Kate Middleton saw plans for a souvenir plate designed to commemorate the encounter.

The Prince has eliminated all the other things on his list, including driving a convertible, sleeping with a friends girlfriend and losing £10,000 at roulette, which he did to amuse schoolfriends on his eighth birthday.

He said: I got lost in a country where I dont understand a word the natives say when I visited Glasgow, I was arrested for being drunk in charge of a Sea King helicopter in the Falklands, and I killed a man just to watch him die during my gap year in Chile.

I cant really do the one about quitting your job without dying, so I fired my equerry instead. But Ive only got one day to get dual action under my belt without Kate finding out and I dont think Im going to do it.

On hearing of his brothers plight, Prince Harry ordered that the eight-volume Order of the Garters Register of Dirty Girls be brought from St Georges Chapel, Windsor.

While flicking through the tomes in search of suitable candidates, Harry said: Bloody hell, Fergies in here.

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Hodgson convinced England have won Euro 2012

ROY Hodgson has congratulated his side for winning Euro 2012 after misunderstanding how the tournament works.

Last night’s victory over Ukraine, which included a linesman distracted by a passing wasp, put England at the top of Group D. However, amiable Hodgson is convinced that England have won the actual tournament and no-one has the heart to tell him otherwise.

England will now fly home to tour the ‘ceremonial fax’ from Uefa confirming their final table position through London in an open-topped bus.

The piece of paper will then be carefully laminated and placed in the trophy cabinet in Wembley Stadium where the FA hope it will inspire future generations of visitors to dream of England not losing three games in a competitive tournament once again in the future.

Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds have gone back into the recording studio to mark the occasion and will release the 300^th version of Footballs Coming Home, this time entitled Weve Won Group D.

Hodgson said last night: Weve come here to do a job, weve done it, now I just need to get our Iris a fridge magnet, make sure all my postcards have been sent and Ill be ready to get home to my own bed.

The one theyve got here is like a bag of rocks and Ive not had a wink of sleep for weeks but theyre a very friendly people so long as you keep one eye on your wallet.

“Young Theo said he went out to buy a Mini Milk the other day and the cheeky beggar in the shop swore blind hed given him a ten rather than a twenty.

The FA has decided to go along with Hodgsons misunderstanding through a mixture of sympathy for the manager and the realisation that this might be the only way of overseeing a successful team. They will petition Uefa to disband the tournament today.

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