Society
Britain declared uninhabitable
BRITAIN is unsuitable for human life, it has been confirmed.
Millions lucky enough to spend Christmas Day alone
SEVERAL million fortunate individuals will be enjoying peaceful solitude on Christmas Day, it has emerged.
Lots of lazy bastards have jobs
THOUSANDS of bone idle people have full-time paid employment, it has emerged.
Clever people obsessively bored with royal baby
SELF-STYLED clever people cannot stop expressing their indifference to the royal offspring, it has emerged.
Happiness caused by things you're not actually involved in
HAPPINESS is the result of things that actually have nothing to do with you, it has emerged.
Atheists still not that keen on Scouts
ATHEISTS are still not that keen on socialising with people who were in the Scouts, it has emerged.
Excitement as worthless things made slightly cheaper
THINGS with no value have been fractionally reduced in price, making them exciting.