Society

THE government has executed thousands of thickset men following an announcement that was construed as an April Fool's Day stunt.

A CRAZED motorist is brandishing a mobile phone on a garage forecourt, it has emerged.

A RADICAL mouse is in a nervous stand-off with security guards after threatening to defecate on some Muller yoghurts in a London Tesco.

BRITAIN was celebrating yesterday after discovering something it actually gives a toss about.

NONE of the the people who think the baby Jesus mends broken boo-boos are in prison.

THE latest rise in postal rates is forcing many households to hire their own surly layabout.

THE Magic Fox Vintage Smoothie Boutique Urban Forest Pop Up Chill Retreat is to be Britain's first 100 percent twat-friendly festival.

SOLDIERS are being trained to tut, sigh and then finally deliver the wrong brand of cigarettes through the sliding metal tray at 24-Hour-garages.

MALE pattern baldness sufferers have discovered news of a possible cure tucked away on page 16 of their newspapers.

THE arrival of televisions that can spy on you means Britain is now a fully-qualified dystopia.