Society

THE unemployed are to be forced 'off their backsides' by having their buttocks cut off, it has emerged.

DAVID Cameron has declared the collective misery of the nation after Andrew Murray’s defeat to be absolutely delicious.

THE metaphorical 'property ladder' is to be replaced next month by a rickety and unstable 'property rope bridge', spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

THE axing of five British army battalions will create hundreds of movie-style vigilantes ready to fight crime by their own rules, the government has claimed.

THE arrival of a ping pong table at a Tottenham youth club has prevented another summer of urban riots, it has emerged.

BRITAIN will drag itself out of recession by conducting public inquiries for cash, say economists.

IN a radical overhaul of how the monarchy is funded, members of the royal family will be asked to attend a job centre every other week.

A real-life prison escape completely lacked the tension and excitement of Hollywood prison breaks, it has emerged.

THE editor of the Daily Bugle has given evidence to the Leveson Inquiry about his newspaper's negative coverage of Spider-Man.

BUSINESS leaders have praised a new qualification that prepares students for a lifetime of servile drudgery.