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Are you a twat?

Simply answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to each of the following questions to discover whether you are a twat.

The Daily Mash Twat Test

1. Have you ever kissed your own bicep?

2. Do you know the names of two or more luxury jam brands?

3. Are you in favour of Clarkson?

4. When arriving by car to collect a friend, do you simply pull up in the middle of the road and honk your horn until they emerge?

5. Have you ever registered a Twitter account in the name of a celebrity’s pet?

6. Do you regularly use the word ‘lifestyle’?

7. Do you consider yourself more knowledgeable about wine than others in your peer group?

8. Would you describe yourself as having a ‘packed schedule’?

9. Do you work in television?

10. Have you already planned your costume for next year’s Bestival?

11. Have you ever been described as ‘excitable’?

12. Can you juggle, or do you think juggling is good?

OK – Am I a twat?

6-12 yeses: You are a twat. Congratulations! Not really, you’re dreadful.

5-1 yeses: You a borderline twat, standing at the crossroads of twatdom. It’s up to you.

0 yeses: You are not a twat. Well done. Unfortunately you will never make any money and are doomed to live in a perpetual state of frustration.

Windmills preferred to cracking open the Earth's crust

GENTLY turning windmills are better than cracking open the Earth’s crust in pursuit of billions of tonnes of exploding gas, according to new research.

An opinion poll found that most Britons liked the idea of electricity being made by a stiff breeze instead of being crushed to death during an earthquake caused by smashing into the Earth’s crust until we find exploding gas.

And the while the sound of the windmills was judged to be ‘not brilliant’ it was still better than turning on your tap to find it was spewing out deadly gas as a result of causing huge explosions in the Earth’s crust.

There was also dispute about the impact of the windmills on the landscape, though it was agreed that sending massive shockwaves into the Earth’s crust in pursuit of gas would be a good way to topple the windmills and any buildings within a 20-mile radius.

And though the windmills could only make electricity when it was windy, that was not as annoying as having your water supply poisoned because someone was trying to make electricity from the toxic gas that shoots out when you crack open the Earth’s crust.

Energy expert Julian Cook said: “We are at a crossroads. Do we invest in more efficient renewable energy? Or is causing thousands of massive underground explosions that could also poison our water the obvious way forward?”

A spokesman for the gas-powered University of Delingpole said: “Only a BBC kiddie-fiddler could possibly think there were any risks in cracking open the Earth’s crust in pursuit of billions of tonnes of exploding gas.

“Also, the Earth’s crust is a theory.”

 

 

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