Society

HIGH-STAKES gambling machines are the nearest poor people can get to the thrill of the stock exchange, according to bookmakers.

GRANDCHILDREN have confirmed that kissing elderly relatives is like putting your mouth against a crypt.

BRITAIN'S libraries have been unaffected by the January rush for self-improvement, say librarians.

THE government's chief marksman Elmer Fudd has denied that the badger cull was essentially farcical.

MILLIONS of Britons have begun the new year by vowing to drink only in secret.

PEOPLE who have never had sex are the most likely to request aftershave or cologne as Christmas presents.

THE government is to make all towns more like the capital, with an increase in hostility and chicken shops.

WOMEN have called for an end to advertisements that show party preparation as a fun female bonding activity.

TRADITIONALISTS are in uproar after it emerged that the new plastic banknotes will carry Hitler's image.

TOY shops are to stop under-18s from buying their goods so they can go to collectors who properly appreciate them.