Society

CRIME will continue to fall as long as benefits remain too generous, according to right-wingers who don’t know what they want anymore.

THE police could soon deploy maximised hydration techniques to stop concerted indiscipline by Britain’s social stakeholders.

PEOPLE living with their parents are dreading having to make their own way in the world, it has emerged.

THE overall concept of fancy dress is offensive to adult humans, it has been claimed.

BETROTHED homosexuals are to use their magical flood-creating powers to bring new life to desert regions.

ED Miliband has pledged to rebuild middle class confidence with free After Eight mints.

SCHOOLCHILDREN are more motivated to play truant now that their parents will be punished in a court of law.

THE government is to tackle food poverty by officially doubling the five allowable seconds for food dropped on the floor.

GCSE French textbooks are to be enhanced with stories of extra-marital liaisons.

BRITISH people are to receive coaching in how to split up with each other.