Society

A PAIR of middle class grandparents have confirmed that names like 'granny' and 'grandad' are too boring for people as unique and special as them.

A MAN who supports grammar schools and other forms of competition in life is unaware he would fail spectacularly under those arrangements.

A MAN who claims to love traditional British values cannot explain what they are in any detail.

A MOTHER-OF-TWO incorrectly believes she was a really fun and exciting person before having children.

AN UNEMPLOYED ex-BHS worker has been told by his wife that the batteries for his radio controlled yacht are too expensive.

A MAN is recovering from the realisation that he is no better even if he tries really hard.

AN OFFICE colleague is ready to go and get hammered at literally a second’s notice, his co-workers have confirmed.

AN 18-YEAR-OLD from Wigan who prefers reading books to fighting has discovered a wonderful land of soft Southerners who enjoy similarly effeminate pursuits.

THE government is to bring back the term ‘riff-raff’, which will be used to describe the sort of children not welcome at new grammar schools.

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.