subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man who had never heard of blue passports until today now demanding one

A 22-YEAR-OLD man who first heard about blue British passports in today’s Sun is now demanding one as his patriotic right.

Stephen Malley of Basildon has already burned his maroon EU passport, calling it “the travel document of traitors”, in a pub car park and will picket his town hall tomorrow.

He said: “This is the passport of James Bond, Sean Connery era, the passport that William Shakespeare travelled to Verona on back in the Victorian times.

“It is an eternal symbol of these Isles’ proud history, from the building of Hadrian’s Wall to the discovery of Gibraltar, and we must have it back.

“They could still have the maroon ones for Remain voters, if they like. They could go in a longer queue.”

Greggs introduces healthy options for weak, scared people

BAKER Greggs has unveiled a series of lighter menu options for people who lack the integrity to buy a sausage roll.

The high street pie vendor launched its Balanced Choice menu with salads, wraps and gluten-free options for pussies who lack the strength of character to just order a steak bake.

A spokesman said: “We’re doing salads and hummus now. We don’t want to, but it’s just the sort of thing you have to do these days or you get loads of aggro off the tiresome leaf-crunchers who write government health reports.

“We’ve no fucking idea why you would come to Greggs for a poxy salad pot with olives and so-called rocket. It’s like going to a brothel for a bible meeting.

“We are a pastry whorehouse and these sausage rolls are our beautiful gleaming ladies. They’re here to please and if you’re honest with yourself you’ll just go with it.”

Greggs fan Tom Booker said: “Sausage roll for starter, steak bake for main and a custard slice for pudding. I’ve no idea why you’d do it any other way.

“If someone orders a salad from Greggs, you know you can’t trust that person. They’re probably a Russian spy.”

Next story ›