subscribe
/ Sign Out

Thrilled Britain keenly awaiting arrival of biggest ever energy bill

ACROSS the nation, families are waiting by their letterboxes to receive the biggest energy bills they have ever seen.

Households who treated themselves to heat and light over Christmas are anticipating their reward in the form of a wild new energy bill that really pushes the envelope in charging for human necessities.

Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “It’s definitely going to be above £400. We had the heating on 14 hours some days, and the oven, and we didn’t stint on the telly either.

“I’m hearing rumours some are coming in at more than £600 for the month! Wow. For one month! And December was actually pretty mild!

“We’ve switched to paper bills just so we can all gather round and open it together. I can’t wait for the stunned silence as we contemplate a figure nobody would have believed possible just a few years ago.

“Though by next winter we’ll look back at this one and be like ‘Remember when energy bills were less than the mortgage?’ Still, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s enjoy this unprecendentedly large bill in the moment.”

Booker then opened the bill, with his family gathered round, and commented: “F**king hell!”

The weekend staff's guide to being the most incompetent worker possible

TIRED of being bad at your job in the same old predictable ways? Follow the lead of the peerlessly incompetent staff who work at the weekends.

Have no idea about anything

Even the most basic questions like ‘How much is this?’ and ‘Do you work here?’ should bamboozle you. As for more complex tasks such as serving customers, forget it. All you should really know is how to leave work the second your shift is over, regardless of if you’re in the middle of a task or not.

Don’t give a shit

Admittedly this isn’t limited to weekend staff. However they’re the only workers who can expect to get away with not masking their disdain while leaning against a cash register and scrolling on their phone. If you tried that as an adult rather than a teenage weekend worker you’d lose your job and as a result your box room in a crappy house share.

Demonstrate no common sense

Years of inexperience mean that weekend staff are completely incapable of making logical judgements. If you want to follow their example, try forgetting everything you know and completing your work in the most ridiculous fashion possible. In the likely event of being out of your depth, don’t fetch your manager, that would make too much sense. Blag it and hope nobody notices.

Pay zero attention

Is a customer asking for a certain type of milk in their coffee? Or maybe a colleague is explaining a very specific duty you need to perform? Whatever. Look out of the window with your slack jaw hanging open instead. Make sure you exclaim ‘Yeah, sure thing!’ every 30 seconds until home time to cover your arse.

Be 17 years old

If not physically, then mentally. This means being subject to your raging hormones and acting like doing basic work is an affront to your human rights. Don’t people know you have much more important things to do than working in a poxy supermarket? Things like getting drunk very easily, being unable to drive and masturbating? The nerve.

Next story ›