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Woman thinks she isn't watching Love Island

A WOMAN who has made a point of not being sucked into watching Love Island strangely seems to know every detail of what is going on. 

Joanna Kramer is definitely ignoring the contrived relationship dramas in the sun and instead focusing on worthwhile activities such as Couch to 5K and a possible career change. 

Kramer said: “I avoid engaging with Love Island, but a woman on the train watches Aftersun on her iPad and I lose physical control of my eyeballs and have to watch too. God that’s annoying.

“The footage I keep seeing on news sites has confirmed to me I’m not interested in some reality TV nobody sensationally being kicked out yesterday. It’s not my thing at all. I wouldn’t recognise Will if I wanked him off in Casa Amour.

“And it’s such a pain having to have long, bitchy conversations about it with Shelley at work. In my head I’m saying ‘Shut up, you trivial-minded idiot’. I can’t see it working out between Lana and Aaron though.

“Also I’m barely noticing what Maya Jama’s wearing from her social media feeds, so ordering two of her outfits is completely coincidental.”

Kramer refuses to watch Love Island at home, but thoughtfully records it for partner Stephen Malley and sits in front of the TV with him in case he wants an intelligent conversation instead.

Malley said: “Joanna tells me every day, especially when she’s pissed, that she’s glad she’s not watching Love Island, then calls everything ‘cute’ in a Scottish accent. I’m seriously considering recoupling.”

The back seat of a car: Five sexy places it's actually impossible to do it

IT’S hard enough to enjoy a passable bit of intercourse in a comfy bed. So why people insist on doing it in these utterly impractical places defies explanation.

Back seat of a car

A teenage rite of passage. Or: awkward fumbling made worse by borrowing your mum’s two-door Corsa. When you reach the vinegar strokes there’s a risk of putting your elbow through one of the tiny windows at the back. That’ll be difficult to explain to your mum. But not as difficult as the jizz on the upholstery.

On the floor

Utterly folly. The bed is RIGHT THERE. Try to go at it like a couple of seasoned porn stars and you’ll realise your knees aren’t up to it, your partner had that slipped disc in 2017 and you’re both getting carpet burn from the best John Lewis rug. When you mercifully finish after two minutes of huffing and puffing, it looks like the end of a tragic, naked game of Twister.

In the great outdoors

De rigueur for adventurous shaggers, supposedly. In reality you’re freezing and terrified a primary school trip will walk past. You’ll quickly realise DH Lawrence should have changed the title of Lady Chatterley’s Lover to Nettles on Your Ballbag and A Twig Up the Arsehole. 

In the shower

Allegedly steamy and sensual. Actually slippery and hazardous. To even get it to go in you both have to fold yourselves up like broken deck chairs. Once you’re awkwardly bonking while trying not to ‘disengage’ you’ll find yourself staring at some athlete’s foot cream on the side of the bath or your kid’s Ariel doll from Little Mermaid. One misstep and you’ve cracked your head on the sink and the next thing you see is a paramedic. Not hugely erotic.

The Mile High Club

No one has ever successfully got their end away in a plane because life isn’t the movies. You and your partner aren’t international spies flying first class to Moscow, you’re having two weeks self-catering in Benidorm. And nothing kills a boner quicker than hearing the Ryanair cabin crew trying to sell those scratch cards over the tannoy. Even if you do manage a quickie, you’ll spend it worrying about leaving your kids asleep in their seats while you went off to have sex in a toilet.

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