COMMERCIAL landlords are upset about homeworking, so do you face the grim prospect of returning to the office? Here are six habits you’ll have to lose first.
No more wank breaks
The days of treating yourself to a swift hand shandy after sending an email will be over. It’s probably for the best though. You’ve exhausted every piece of online smut and your genitals have been rubbed raw. Don’t go cold turkey though – knock one out in the toilets three times a day to ease yourself back in.
Waking up five minutes before work
Homeworkers have got the habit of waking up just before work down to a fine art. Laptops take mere seconds to lean over to and switch on, giving them plenty of minutes to brush their teeth and eat breakfast. A return to the office will herald an ungodly routine that doesn’t involve staying up until 3am scrolling through Instagram.
Spending the whole day wearing pyjamas
Offices place high demands on their employees. Tyrannical bosses expect their drone ants to wear semi-formal clothing and shoes, not food-stained t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms that haven’t been washed this side of the pandemic. You’ll need to have a shower and run a comb through your hair too because you can’t turn everyone’s eyes off like a Zoom camera.
Endless procrastination
Offices tend to be drab buildings filled with dull walls and boring desks because they want you to actually focus on your f**king work. Homes on the other hand contain everything you like and offer endless distractions like watching Bargain Hunt and reading everything on the internet. Giving this up will be traumatic, so consider the dole.
Loudly swearing at your team
At home you’re free to scream blue murder at Lucy from HR or Martin from accounts because no one can hear your expletive-filled tirades. Annoyingly, offices contain people with ears who can process what you say, so you’ll need to keep these rants in your head. Also there’s no ‘mute’ in real life, tragically.
Getting all your work done in a shorter time
When you worked at home you could blast through all your tasks in record time then spend the afternoon in the pub occasionally checking your emails. In the office though you’ll need to slow down, otherwise you’ll be rewarded by having even more mindless toil heaped on you. Even suggesting going down to a four-day week would threaten to reveal how competent you actually are.
