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The seven women who are in every hen party

HEN parties are ravaging Britain, and every single one includes these seven women:

Sexy Sienna, the maid of honour

The organiser of the hen do, who printed up the personalised hoodies which is why hers isn’t obscene. Has doomed the bride to a final party with cock balloons, cock straws, gallons of prosecco in cheap nightclubs and other stuff she knows her classy, sophisticated friend abhors. Will stay sober ‘for Hannah’s sake’ then f**k off early.

Anal Andrea, from work

Fortysomething Andrea, given her name as a punishment but flaunting it with pride, is a hen party veteran who takes immediate command. It is thanks to her the party visits all the worst bars, drinks only the sickliest cocktails and flirts with only the sleaziest men. Ruins whole evening for everyone by having a fantastic time.

Tits Out Tara, from school

Close friend who has young kids, doesn’t get out much so goes completely off the rails after two Pornstar Martinis. A liability who appears to believe a hen do is roughly equivalent to total societal breakdown, so grabbing cocks, throwing bottles and never paying for drinks is fine. Will be vomiting on a stranger by 11pm.

Cumface Cathy, from previous work

Always called Catherine and never ever Cathy so hates this already. Is concerned for the bride’s welfare and whether she actually wants more shots and to be grinding against that ugly bald bloke. Consequently labelled a killjoy. Decides a one-night stand is less humiliating than staying out.

Blowjob Bethany, from university

Old friend of the bride horrified at the name she’s been given and these women who appear to be her mates now. Spends the whole evening trying not to touch anything or anyone. The friendship will never recover from what she’s been forced to go through.

Spitroast Suzy, the groom’s mother

Blissfully oblivious to what her name means. Only there because she has to be. The music’s too loud, she can’t hear what anyone’s saying, and she’d prefer a large white wine thanks. Keeps very much to herself while getting paralytically hammered.

Handjob Hannah, the bride

It doesn’t matter, it’s not really about her.

Five obvious signs some bastard's raided the fridge

YOU only went shopping today, but most of your food has already mysteriously disappeared. Here are five telltale signs some git has been foraging through your fridge.

Shelving chaos

You take great care when restocking the fridge to ensure meat and dairy go on separate shelves, and fruit and salad go in their respective drawers. Now it looks like a pissed bear has been sniffing around and helped itself. Your neatly arranged system has come crashing down and there are bite marks in everything. Correction. Everything except the fruit and salad.

Open wrappers and seals

In the feeding frenzy, the raider has clumsily ripped open wrappers and carelessly cast aside plastic seals. The half-eaten packet of cooked ham you were looking forward to has already started to go a bit stale, and even the Baybel wax cover has got teeth marks in it. Don’t even give the leaking carton of milk a sniff test. It’s cheese now. Pour it away.

Dirty cutlery

In their haste to construct some form of sandwich, the looter has left cutlery lying around caked in a baffling array of spreads, conserves and cheeses. What sort of foul beast man would be gross enough to have a layer of Nutella, then soft cheese, then Nutella again? Then there’s the teaspoon slathered in mustard sat in a pot of fat-free yoghurt, which for the sake of your sanity you should ignore.

The smell

A raided fridge will give your nose an olfactory overload. Your offended sense of smell will not know whether to start with the pungent whiff of canned tuna, the stench of stale mayonnaise, or the foul odour of boiled eggs. Luckily this will distract you from your sense of touch, which would otherwise be repulsed by all the disgusting, sticky handprints on the fridge door.

Incriminating clothing

Just as a love rat is betrayed by lipstick on a shirt collar, a fridge raider gives themselves away via suspicious splotches and food stains. Curiously these will match all of the items missing from your fridge, but what’s more bizarre is that they didn’t wash their clothing themselves. It’s like the greedy f**ker wanted to get caught as part of their sick game.

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