ALL olden days music is uncool, but some bands now regarded as naff or a bit beige had a surprising amount of cred once. So where did it all go wrong?

REM

For a while REM were definitely way outside the music industry mainstream. But for all their scruffy pre-Cobain cool, they became defined by a song that sounds specifically written for TV charity appeals, while everything else got played on a bloody mandolin. As soon as someone’s dad claimed Michael Stipe was the voice of a generation, their fate as middle-aged rock royalty was sealed.

The Police

Artists can be trendsetters, great songwriters or egotistical bastards, so Sting thought he’d try all three. Luckily for him it was the 80s where his crap hair and weird cod reggae were not just accepted but praised. The other band members were talented but overshadowed; drummer Stewart Copeland composed the music for Spyro and of course The Equalizer, which is incredibly cool. It’s just a shame the actual band’s output is forever tainted by Gordon’s godawful lyrics. 

Simple Minds 

When post-punk was hip, Simple Minds were wanked over as part of the alternative scene that included Peter Gabriel and John Peel. Unfortunately, nobody remembers that because they transitioned into glossy pop with all the squareness you’d expect from a Scottish bloke who looked like a maths teacher. The final nail in the coffin of cool was becoming synonymous with a film about absolute twats doing detention. The Minds have pinned their longevity on nostalgic mums ever since.

Creedence Clearwater Revival

Writing about America like it’s a wet dream makes native fans go mental, and Creedence were lauded like gods from some backwoods swamp when they were actually from California. Sadly for Creedence, hippies went out of fashion fast, and after several rollercoaster years having a phenomenal number of hits, writing songs became difficult when John Fogerty decided the rest of his band were shit. Although introducing a strict quota of three songs per album and no singing on other band members’ songs probably didn’t aid their creativity. 

Kiss

It’s difficult now to imagine cat and demon makeup being sexy and cool, as both those kinks are now weird minority perversions. Starting out normal-looking (for the 70s), Kiss weren’t selling many records, and their fortunes improved with make-up, codpieces and glam-rock. But all trends pass, and after a while people just weren’t into shoddy glam rock fodder performed by people who look like the biggest bellends ever to have walked the earth. They later toned down their image, with some success, but the cool was gone. Sadly no one told Gene Simmons, who still looks like an ageing extra from the Blade franchise.

Happy Mondays 

Drugs don’t have the fun reputation they used to during Rave, and the same applies to the Madchester band. Trippy samples stolen from elsewhere with barely comprehensible vocals seem less inspired without several Es making you think something about melons was a cultural milestone. The Mondays’ descent into uncool hasn’t been helped by Shaun posing with Gorillaz as a horrifying reanimated head. Or Bez impressing Gregg Wallace with a plate of mutton, a man whose definition of cool is a Hobbit’s waistcoat.