Why two-tier policing is bollocks: A guide for right-wing idiots

STRUGGLING to explain to a right-wing acquaintance why two-tier policing is a flawed concept? Forward them this straightforward guide.

Policing is a spectrum

If policing has tiers, it has way more than two. These range from stern words for a faulty car headlight to using riot batons if you’re determined to smash up a mosque. You have to accept that the law operates on a scale, unless you think that the woman looting clothes shops should have been trampled to death by a 1300-pound police horse, which seems a bit excessive for fake crocs.

The usual gobshites think it’s real

If sun lounger activist Tommy Robinson and career grifter Nigel Farage think that two-tier policing exists, then you’re safe to mentally file it away under ‘probable nonsense’. In fact you should apply this policy to the rest of the bullshit they spout. You’ll gradually feel much happier and maybe your estranged children will start talking to you again.

There’s a difference between protesting and rioting

This should be obvious but you appear to be struggling. Peaceful protestors responding to the climate crisis or Palestine tend not to get beaten over the head with batons because they’re not using violence, and you’re explicitly there to cause aggro and have turned a main road into a battle zone. Still not sinking in? Would it help if this was explained via the medium of sock puppets? Stamp once for yes.

It’s part of a wider web of bullshit

Two-tier policing is a myth. Not a fun myth like Robin Hood or dragons, but an evil one like the great replacement theory. Crucially though, neither of them are real. The government doesn’t have a big police switch that they flick to ‘severe’ whenever white people kick off. And if they did they’d save it for vigils by harmless student girls.

You threw f**king bricks and set stuff on fire

Sorry to keep banging on about this, but you did loot shops, set fire to a hotel and throw bricks at police. That’s why they were pretty heavy-handed with you. Not because you’re white or working class or follow Laurence Fox on X. Although arguably the latter should incur a tier of police brutality all of its own.

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Cunning boss praises staff to trick them into working harder

A DEVIOUS manager has heaped praise on his staff only because he knows it will motivate them to double their efforts.

Stephen Malley feels he has improved performance with a combination of positive feedback and cynical psychological manipulation of gullible fools.

Malley said: “My technique is brilliantly simple: telling them they’re doing a great job. They’re still shit, but they’re enthusiastic about being shit and do more of it, leading to a net productivity gain.

“Bill had been off ‘sick’ for three weeks when I emailed him saying he was employee of the month. He rocked up first thing on Monday wearing a tie. He managed to dangle it in his tea, but never mind. 

“I also mentioned to Emma that I’d noticed a marked improvement in her public speaking skills, and she immediately volunteered to do the next big sales presentation. It was still painful to watch, but it got done and she didn’t vomit on the floor this time. 

“And I told Nikki I could never have launched the brochure without her, even though that’s literally what I did. She now regularly stays at her desk until seven, the cretin.” 

Employee Nikki Hollis said: “Stephen is so inspiring. I lied to my boyfriend that he’s great in bed, and now we’re doing it loads. I didn’t have an orgasm five times last night!”