HAVE you clocked that people who say money isn’t important aren’t in a rush to give up all their cash? That’s because you can, in fact, buy anything:
Happiness
Being in your overdraft all the time makes you feel anxious and miserable, which does not correlate with a general feeling of joy. But being financially comfortable means you can have all the nice things you want to do without worrying that doing a big shop will make you default on your mortgage. And if you use your riches to buy loads of MDMA, even better.
Love
Sorry, but whoever put the ‘for richer, for poorer’ bit in the wedding vows was chatting sh*t. It won’t fix your terrible personality, but having loads of dosh will probably make you more appealing as a lifelong romantic partner than, say, someone who has a chronic gambling problem or lives in a tent in a park.
Friendship
Likewise, people are naturally drawn towards that mate who is always happy to get a round in, and not the one who asks to borrow a tenner every time you see them. You can essentially buy yourself mates by seeming generous as opposed to just filthy rich. They might even end up genuinely liking you.
Health
Two words: private healthcare. While the rest of us are slumming it on the NHS waiting list, a wealthy person can get a knee replacement within a few weeks, because they can shell out a few thousand pounds willy-nilly. They can also afford to buy huge houses in the countryside rather than live in a damp flat next to a pollution-choked duel carriageway.
Immortality
Oh, so no-one lives forever? Then explain why we know who Tutankhamun and J.D Rockefeller are. If you bury yourself in gold or pay to have a building named after you, you won’t be forgotten as quickly as the rest of us chumps. You can’t take your money with you, but you can use it to keep showing off even after you’re dead.
