ENERGY prices have made even the most basic of appliances eye-wateringly expensive. Here are five things you are now afraid to use:
The lights
Lights stop you from walking into the furniture, but they are also secretly rinsing you to the tune of hundreds of pounds. Save money by investing in an oil lamp, or train your eyes to see in the dark like a goblin. If that doesn’t work, try mastering echolocation. If it’s good enough for bats then it’s good enough for you.
The heating
Even in the days when money could buy you an acceptable standard of living you were cautious about putting the heating on. Now that prices have gone up the idea of attempting to live comfortably in your own home scares you shitless. And with good reason, as it’s f**king pricey.
The kettle
Enjoying a cup of tea or coffee at home used to be cheaper than going to a cafe. Now it’s more affordable to have a few rounds at Starbucks while stuffing cake into your face with jittery hands than to fire up the kettle. Expect the luxury of having a brew at home to be the latest bullshit reason people can’t afford housing deposits.
The TV
Yes, sadly even your best friend television has turned against you by upping its operating costs. At this rate you might be forced to pick up a book or go for a walk instead of being glued to repeats of Bargain Hunt and Taggart. Should it come down to a choice of eating or watching TV, try to remember that being bored isn’t as bad as being dead.
The dishwasher
Gone are the days where you could idly toss your dirty plates into the dishwasher without a care in the world. If only there were another, cheaper way of washing dishes. Sadly the only option is to clean them by hand, and there’s no way you’re returning to that miserable lifestyle, even if the only food you can afford to eat off them is stolen from a skip at the back of Iceland.
