YOU can tell all you need to know about a woman by judging her on her looks. Here Martin Bishop explains why the conclusions you come up with definitely won’t be bullshit.
You’ll know if she’s ‘up for it’
A tight top and some flesh on display means a woman is likely to have sex with you. It’s just weird how they reject my advances 100 per cent of the time and frequently don’t sleep with me or anyone else. I expect I’ve just had a very long run of bad luck and it’s always their time of the month.
Tattoos mean she’s on benefits
In 2022, tattoos are the preserve of bikers, squaddies and millionaire footballers. If a woman has tats she’s an aggressive benefits scrounger. Okay, Angelina Jolie, Lady Gaga and probably 98 per cent of the women in the UK don’t fit my dole stereotype. But they’re the exceptions who prove the rule, although don’t ask me to explain that.
All that make-up means she’s promiscuous
Men and a surprising number of women agree that if a woman looks attractive she has too much make-up on, and is probably a bit of a ‘bike’. Just my luck that all the best-looking potential girlfriends sleep around! Although I’d still shag them. Or indeed anyone female. I’m not picky, and that’s fine for a man.
Lesbians always have chunky footwear
Any woman willing to be seen out in public in Dr Martens boots is clearly doing so to display her pride in being a lesbian. Cropped hair is the clincher that she favours supping from the furry cup. And there’s nothing wrong with that. This is a brilliant insight, and not me stating the obvious that certain groups of people often choose certain styles.
Women say ‘She’s too fat for that dress’ so it’s fine
Women love to judge their peers on the basis of their dress sense, and nothing gives them greater satisfaction than delivering a damning verdict like ‘Someone should discreetly tell Gemma she looks fat in that top’. Therefore it’s fine for me to see a larger lady and say witty things like ‘Thar she blows!’ because women who aren’t exactly slim themselves have already made a catty remark.
Never trust a badly-dressed woman with the weather forecast
Weather girls’ outfits are a source of fascination for both sexes. Obviously if she has a top that clashes with her skirt or needs to change her hair stylist, there’s no way she’ll get the weather forecast right. Just be glad you’re not on a trawler in the North Sea where your life may depend on it, and you’re just sitting at home making inane sexist judgements as usual.
