WITH the Barbie movie out soon and a Tetris adaptation on the telly it’s time Britain dug some of its own old toys out of the loft. Here are six blockbusters we’ll be making.
Scalextric: Tokyo Drift
A white-knuckle racing epic that takes place entirely on a rickety figure-of-eight track. Jason Statham stars as a washed-up driver whose brother was electrocuted due to faulty wiring. He’s forced to drive endlessly round and round forever to pay off gambling debts to the Yakuza or whatever. Sadly he flies off the track every three seconds, much to the frustration of everyone watching. Probably directed by Guy Ritchie because he’s desperate these days. 2 stars.
The Stickle Bricks Movie
Britain’s take on the wildly popular Lego movie franchise. Unfortunately, the nearest we’ve got is a bunch of boring f**king rectangles.The bricks come to life when their owner isn’t in the room, in a direct lift from Toy Story. But all that happens in this movie is someone treads on them and swears like a docker. Or a few get chewed by the dog or sucked up and break the vacuum like the Fuzzy Felts did. Utterly shite. 0 stars.
Cindy
Forget Barbie’s Dream House. Cindy lives on a South London estate surrounded by crackheads and knife crime. This gritty reimagining casts Sheridan Smith as a single mother with a string of relationships with deadbeat men behind her. She’s not looking for ‘Ken’ – she’s just looking for a way out. Her life changes after discovering horse riding and she becomes a world champion. The contrived, worthy triumph over adversity means everyone bloody loves it. 5 stars.
Mr Frosty: The Motion Picture
Misguided attempt to turn the iconic 80s toy into a loveable character. Producers fail to realise he’s hardly f**king Paddington and actually a useless piece of crap with a hole where his heart should be, appropriately voiced by James Corden. Mr Frosty makes kids obsessed with owning him, but then rots their teeth and makes their tummies ache. ‘A bleak tale that serves only to teach a new generation about disappointment’ – Philip French, The Guardian. 1 star.
Invasion of the Space Hoppers
A throwback space epic filmed on wobbly 1970s Doctor Who-style sets. Sold as retro, actually just rubbish but becomes a cult classic anyway. Strangely, Britons fail to embrace the Space Hopper as a mode of transport again, due to three people bouncing on promotional hoppers being killed on the film’s opening weekend. Two are run over by electric scooters and one dies from exhaustion trying to travel a mile on this hugely inefficient vehicle. 3 stars.
The Subbuteo Game
Subbuteo players are as rigid and useless as the Spurs back four. But not in this big screen adaptation, where a magical electrical storm (or some bollocks) breaks one player free from his base and he joins the actual England squad. Manager Hugh Bonneville has no idea where his new star striker Regé-Jean Page appeared from, but that – and being 2.5cm tall – doesn’t stop him scoring the winning goal in the World Cup. With Jodie Comer as his WAG. Jordan Henderson appears as himself and wins an Oscar. 4 stars.
