IS a pregnant friend insisting on showing you their ultrasound scan? Here’s what you should definitely avoid saying.
‘Eurgh, what is that?’
To a soon-to-be parent, it’s the most beautiful thing that has ever existed. To you it looks like an amorphous blob, possibly a jellyfish or some other freakish deep sea creature. But don’t express your fear or disgust or they’ll be mortally offended and never speak to you again. Let’s just hope the kid doesn’t still look like a translucent squid at secondary school.
‘Is that the penis or the nose?’
Showing an interest is good, but avoid getting into specifics such as suggesting that their precious unborn’s delicate little nose looks a bit like a knob. They will never be able to unhear your comment and will forever call the kid ‘Dick Nose’ in their head, essentially ruining their relationship forever, you callous bastard.
‘Looks a bit like an alien, doesn’t it?’
When someone shows you one of these photos, all they want you to do is make some cooing noises and say ‘How beautiful’ in an appropriately simpering tone. Grabbing the picture, really giving it some thought and declaring the infant looks like an alien, a mutant, a piglet or Phil Mitchell is not appropriate and will probably make them cry.
‘Oh god, not another one’
At some stage a couple of decades ago these pictures were amazing and at the cutting edge of technology. Now they’re ten a penny and you can’t scroll through Facebook for two minutes without seeing one. However, all parents think their baby is a unique and wonderful miracle, so you should avoid sounding obviously bored when they thrust their image of Blob #579 in your face.
‘Weird how much it looks like your ex’
If you really want to stop someone showing you the pictures, suggest it looks oddly like the mother’s previous partner. It will really piss her off and, if the father is there too, probably cause a huge argument. They’ll think twice before asking you what you think of their special little bundle again.
