SUELLA Braverman has found an ideal alternative destination for asylum seekers, the former biological warfare testing ground Anthrax Island.
The outcrop, real name Gruinard Island, has resisted various attempts to decontaminate it but is now supposedly safe, although it has the minor drawback of being completely barren with no means of sustaining life.
Braverman said: “I’ve carried out an in-depth risk assessment on Google, and I’m fairly sure there’s no deadly bacteria. And if there is, well, it’s saving taxpayers’ money on living allowances.
“How bad can a touch of anthrax be, anyway? Sure, all the sheep died in agony from necrotic lesions, but humans aren’t sheep. It’s like flu, I expect. Man flu.
“The complete absence of shelter, trees, infrastructure and edible plants means there’s plenty of space for all our illegal immigrants. Voters will be relieved to know there’ll be no more free pizza and they can eat a diet more appropriate to their budget, ie. raw puffins.
“Don’t get me wrong. We’re not just going to abandon them in freezing temperatures with no food or water. They’ll be given a Twix. Fun-size, obviously.”
A Labour spokesperson said: “Another day, another failed Tory immigration policy. We’d send them to the island in Battle Royale where they all fight to the death. Please vote for us, racists.”
