HERE at the Mail we would never encourage the public to assault eco-protesters. Do NOT take the law into your own hands with these hippy scum who deserve a good kicking. Here’s how.
Don’t drag them off the road
Grabbing them might be considered assault. And if you inadvertently catch their hi-vis vest on your belt buckle and accidentally bounce their stupid hippy face on the kerb several times, that would be terrible too. Boo hoo hoo.
Don’t carry them off Lord’s Cricket Ground
They’re only ruining the Ashes, a sacred English sporting event, and thereby spitting in the faces of St George, Winston Churchill and our beloved deceased Queen. So that’s fine. Don’t give them a harmless helping hand off the pitch, even if they’d rightly be strung up for treason in more respectful times.
Don’t give them a nudge with your 4×4
Apparently it’s ‘wrong’ to give eco-zealots a gentle tap with your 4×4. And if you understandably misjudge pressing down the accelerator and run over them, that would be awful as well, supposedly. How ridiculous. Your Land Rover Evoque is just a tiny little city runaround – only about the size of a Panzer Mk II – so there’s no chance of them getting hurt.
Don’t use reasonable force
If you’re male, don’t tackle these eco-terrorists with the bare minimum of force, such as shoving, lifting them out of the way, or stamping on their testicles. No, be a spineless, effeminate nancy boy who your kids don’t respect and your wife can’t bear to have sex with. It’s the right thing to do.
Don’t form an angry mob
Britain’s woke, emasculated police don’t look kindly on you teaming up with other inconvenienced road users to move protesters off the road. It’s not as if anything bad could happen, like one of a mob of total strangers being a genuine psycho who puts someone in intensive care. Honestly, it’s ‘elf and safety gone mad.
Don’t call them middle-class bastards while punching them
This isn’t a class issue, apart from them being spoilt middle-class brats trying to stop honest working-class people earning a living while they smoke drugs on a Transgender Studies course at some Marxist ‘university’ – which YOU pay for. So don’t give them a good, honest smack in the mouth, as any self-respecting working man would do.
Don’t run amok with a chainsaw
At the Mail we firmly believe there is never any excuse for taking a chainsaw from the back of your white van and carving off the arms, legs and heads of these Just Stop Oil fiends. Even if the nation is 100 per cent totally behind you and no jury in the land would ever convict. So definitely don’t do that. Nudge nudge. Wink Wink.
