STUCK in an airport terminal waiting for a plane that shows no sign of being announced? Keep your kids entertained by looking out for these sights:
A broken vending machine that disappoints a person every 30 seconds.
A WHSmiths. And another WHSmiths. And yet another WHSmiths. More WHSmiths than any one airport could ever f**king airport?
A plane crash. You don’t want it to happen but it would liven things up a bit.
An unkempt man sleeping across three chairs who has not stirred in hours.
Eager twats queuing up for priority boarding like they’re better than you.
An anxious dad checking he has his family’s passports and boarding passes every 30 seconds on average.
Hot air stewardesses clearly loving the attention sweeping past unimportant mere passengers.
A departure monitor showing that every flight except yours is running bang on time.
Storm clouds. Actually, don’t look out for them. Ignore them. They’re not there.
A businessman who is clearly having an affair with a woman 20 years his junior.
A lumbering, obese weirdo who you will later spot heading down the aisle of the plane to take the seat next to you.
Lengths of skidmarked tarmac. Not exciting, but you’ve got to work with what you’ve got.
Luggage handlers carefully placing your bags on the direct flight to Mombasa, where you are not going.
A withered pot plant that has only been watered with coffee dregs for the last 12 months.
A baby that better not f**king start shrieking at the top of its lungs. Off it goes.
Someone getting pulled into an interrogation room by security. Maybe they have a bomb? Oh no oh shit kids don’t say bomb, stop saying bomb. Please stop saying bomb.
A man gagging at the overpowering scent of the free aftershave he’s put on because he was bored and will now be smelling all the way to New York.
A honeymooning couple who have obviously just shagged in the toilets.
A couple celebrating their anniversary who are obviously on the verge of divorce.
A flickering strip light that is impossible to block out.
The word ‘cancelled’ next to your flight number. Back home you go.
