BRITAIN’S furiously anti-immigration voters are already enthusiastically backing Priti Patel’s Rwanda scheme. Here’s how to get Tory types and empathy-free bastards on board with such plans.
Time it right
Just like comedy, a f**ked-up Conservative migration plan is all about timing. You can’t just introduce the idea of shipping asylum seekers to Rwanda on a slow news day, you need to wait until the party has monumentally screwed up and needs to cover its arse. Although that’s ‘most of the time’ right now.
Make it completely ludicrous
Gunboats in the English Channel won’t cut it. You need to think bigger. The perfect migration plan will involve a faraway country, be completely unworkable and cost a f**king fortune. Ideally it should be so batshit crazy that whinging liberals will think it’s a late April Fool’s joke and ignore it.
Link it to Brexit
Conservative voters will lap up anything so long as you link it to Brexit. By saying your f**ked-up migration plan lets the country take back control of its borders, the part of a Brexiter’s brain which controls critical thinking will be shut down and they’ll applaud like seals at the f**king circus.
Ensure it’s grotesquely severe
To a normal person, the idea of deporting asylum seekers to a country with significant human rights issues is monstrous. But for anti-immigration loons this is wonderful as it will deter other migrants. ‘That’ll teach the young men to stay and fight,’ they’ll write cluelessly in the Daily Mail comments section from their comfy armchairs.
The more f**ked-up, the better
Years of the Tories turning up the xenophobia mean that only the most f**ked-up migration plans appeal now, like a massive dope smoker needing stronger and stronger weed. Christ knows what the next migrant plan will be – maybe making them live in cave systems in Peru until they turn into semi-blind cannibals like in a horror movie?
