subscribe
/ Sign Out

'Any chance of keeping the war going a few more months?' Johnson asks Putin

BORIS Johnson is trying to persuade Vladimir Putin to keep the invasion of Ukraine ticking over for the rest of spring and perhaps summer.

The prime minister made a surprise visit to Moscow, hoping his cordial relations with Russian donors will convince Putin to ‘help him out of a bit of a scrape’.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “There’s a very real danger Putin will end the war in May after capturing Luhansk and Donetsk. Then there’ll be no distraction from ‘partygate’. It’s the doomsday scenario we all prayed would never happen.

“The prime minister is hoping that out of gratitude for London basically being Russian real estate under the Tories, Putin might drag out the conflict while the penalty notices keep coming in. 

“He’s suggested a ‘mini-invasion’ of Estonia to keep the pot boiling. We’d send some troops to help, obviously. Britain could end up fighting our own soldiers, but the main thing for now is these sodding fines.” 

Johnson also asked Putin if he could possibly look a bit scared if he made another unannounced trip to Ukraine, cowering at his Churchillian resolve and so forth, prompting Putin to say he “would think about it”.

The spokesman added: “Boris would consider it a bally big favour and when all this has blown over he’ll invite Mr Putin to Chequers for tuck and champers and whatever else takes his fancy. I’m sure Carrie’s got some single mates.”

The films of Johnny Depp, rated from 'good' to 'WTF is this total shit?'

JOHNNY Depp is a versatile, talented actor, which makes his film choices and frequent crap performances all the more baffling. Here’s what to add to your watchlist and what to avoid:

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Johnny’s best film, a funny, exciting, moving bit of gothic retro. Gone are the days of having his scenes all cut from Platoon or being teenage Freddy Krueger fodder in Nightmare on Elm Street. Yes, Johnny can’t go wrong now.

Ed Wood (1994)

Depp takes a chance on this quirky tale of the strange director of Plan 9 from Outer Space. The critical acclaim pours in. He really does have a knack for picking good projects, huh?

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Exhausting remake of the 1971 film which is only marginally less traumatising for a child to watch than Come and See. Tim Burton ODs on the CGI as usual, and Johnny is tiresomely wacky, as if you hadn’t had quite enough of that sort of thing from Gene Wilder.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

Fun blockbuster, and only film bores who hate everything except Chinatown and Tarkovsky’s Stalker can’t enjoy it for what it is. However that Keith Richards impression starts to get on your tits after a while. Hopefully Johnny won’t do that sort of thing again.

From Hell (2001)

What the f**k is that accent? Even if you can ignore Depp’s strangulated cockney wittering, the film doesn’t get better. Alan Moore’s ideas about conspiracies and freemasonry don’t really feature and it’s more bog standard Ripper fare. You may as well just watch one of those bollocks History Channel shows with a title like Was Queen Victoria the Real Jack the Ripper?

Sherlock Gnomes (2018)

Not very good, and raises the question, why is Johnny Depp in this? Normally it’s left to James Corden to do the voices for crap animated films. However it was probably an easy pay cheque, so maybe a good decision on the off-chance he ended up in a terrifyingly expensive libel case.

Alice Through The Looking Glass (2016)

Please, no more Depp-Burton CGI whimsy. Less of a fresh take on a children’s classic and more of a brutal assault on your eyeballs. Full of nonsense and you wish Johnny would do something fun again, like Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017)

Or Pirates of the Caribbean: Where Things Have Really Gone Tits Up. At some point the storylines got so pointlessly complicated you needed to take a notepad to the cinema. By now you’re so sick of loveable Captain Jack Sparrow you want to kill him, and Keith Richards just for good measure.

Next story ›