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House full of 'Love' paraphernalia has really tense atmosphere

A HOUSE full of love-themed trinkets is actually a horrible place to spend time, guests have confirmed.  

Joanna Kramer and Wayne Hayes have decorated their home with romance-themed pictures, fairy lights and even cushions spelling out L-O-V-E, yet the atmosphere is suffocatingly tense.

Visitor Nikki Hollis said: “It is honestly one of the most stressful places I have ever been, and I recently got ‘extreme vetted’ on the way to America.

“At one point I tried to lighten the mood by moving the cushions around to spell out vole – I thought Sarah was going to stab me.”

The couple’s latest interior design purchase is a huge distressed wood sign bearing the phrase ‘Live Laugh Love’, although they have only done one of these in the past two years.

Meanwhile, the pair are maintaining a similar approach online, regularly posting Facebook and Instagram selfies tagged ‘#myonlyone’ and ‘#truelove’ despite the ever-growing resentment evident in their smiles.

Who do you want a war with? Take the Mash test

DECLARING war is this season’s hottest trend – but who or what should you start a war against?

Take our test to find out who is your main enemy.

1. What are you trying to defend?

A – Fried breakfasts, pound coins and the right to skull near-suicidal amounts of lager on a bi-weekly basis.

B – That nice tree you recently planted in the garden.

C – The rights of the workers who are being oppressed by some fat bastard.

D – Must kill the robots.

2. What sort of war leader are you?

A – Like Churchill, at least in terms of body fat ratio.

B – Basically pretty cool.

C – I see war as more of a collaborative process where everyone does lots of brainstorming sessions and gets 35 days annual leave plus Bank Holidays.

D – Must kill the robots.

3. What quote will you most be remembered for?

A – “I think I fucked up again.”

B – “If anyone’s got a green Ford Ka can you please move it?”

C – “The times they are a-changing.”

D – “Must kill the robots.”

4. What is your most brilliant strategy?

A – Just generally blaming all of life’s woes on a randomly-selected enemy, that sort of thing.

B – Rolling your eyes and mouthing the word ‘boring’ when anyone disagrees with you.

C – Googling ‘brilliant strategies’.

D – “Must kill the robots.”

Answers

Mostly As – You are at war with France. Should not be too difficult.

Mostly Bs – You are at war with squirrels. Get a tetanus jab.

Mostly Cs – You are at war with Sports Direct. Remember they may be closed over Easter.

Mostly Ds – Robots.

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