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Baby relying on cuteness to compensate for being essentially evil

A BABY is relying on his small size and chubby features to compensate for his evil personality.

Three-month old Tom Booker does not give a shit about anyone else and has a meltdown unless a parent is constantly fawning over him.

However everyone agrees that this is acceptable because he is small and has a round face.

Booker said: “If I was a bit bigger, even the size of a small badger, everyone would think I’m a bastard. But when you’re this tiny and have a plump body with no muscle definition, people just love to help you.

“Seriously I get away with more shit than a supermodel. You cannot overplay the cuteness card.”

Booker’s mother Fiona said: “Yesterday he puked in my ear and I don’t think it was an accident.

“I don’t mind though, because he sometimes holds the tip of my finger in his tiny little hand, and for some annoying reason I find that amazing.”

Supermarket shoppers baffled by basic hygiene

SUPERMARKET customers cannot grasp hygiene concepts such as not manhandling bread then putting it back on the shelf, it has emerged.

Millions of shoppers believe unpackaged food items do not need to be purchased even after being thoroughly fondled, sneezed on or even licked.

Pensioner Martin Bishop said: “Whenever you see a bread roll that looks as if a seagull’s been pecking at it, that will have been me testing its structural integrity.

“I particularly like to give the croissants a good feel because of their sensual sponginess. If I drop one on the floor I always give it a good wipe on my trousers before putting it back in the tray.

“We weren’t obsessed with germs when I was a lad and nothing terrible ever happened to us except fevers, agonising stomach cramps and going blind for a week.”

Mum Donna Sheridan said: “My kids love playing with the colourful iced doughnuts in the supermarket. It doesn’t matter if they lick them because my children are perfect in every way, including their saliva.

“The fruit and veg section is like an activity centre for them. I realise some people might not want to buy aubergines with eyes and a mouth scratched into them, but I don’t want to stunt their creativity.”

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