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Cyclist waving traffic past him managing to cause, solve and complicate problem

A CYCLIST with a long line of cars behind him is doing an excellent job of blocking traffic, trying to alleviate it, and confusing everyone in the process. 

Fanatical cyclist Martin Bishop has amassed a long snake of impatient motorists behind him, who he is directing to drive past him in an exciting game of chance with oncoming traffic.

Bishop said: “I’m not just a highly-skilled cyclist, I’m also a responsible road user who knows how to take control of the vast amount of cars I’ve forced to drive at 20mph behind me. 

“I can tell drivers appreciate me flailing an arm around to signal to them. I can’t think why they wouldn’t trust me, a man whose testicles can clearly be seen under my lycra shorts, to guide them safely past.

“I don’t know why they’re taking so long to pull out and drive on. Maybe they’re enjoying the view of my bony arse too much?

“Although I suspect some of them may be total idiots. Who could fail to understand that my ad hoc, gesticulation-based sign language means ‘I’m pretty sure a fast-moving Audi won’t appear out of nowhere’?”

Driver Eleanor Shaw said: “If I get stuck behind one more cyclist who expects me to slow down for them then obey their instructions to overtake them on a bend, I will take their sweat-wicking top and insert it in their arse.”

Five couples you know who say they're compatible but clearly f**king aren't

KNOW a couple who claim they’re meant to be together when they clearly hate each other’s guts? They’re probably one of these types.

The ones who chose each other based on looks

Your friend would have gone out with a serial killer if he was over six feet tall, had a six-pack and wasn’t beginning to thin on top. Luckily the guy she chose is just a bit of a dickhead rather than a psychopath, but sadly all they’ve got in common is taking a whole bloody hour to get ready in the morning.

The ones who have the same hobby

These two thought that because they have the same hobby they would never run out of things to talk about. They quickly did, but luckily cycle touring involves spending hours on end not speaking to each other, except to have a row about who forgot to turn Strava on again after the last stop to gulp disgusting energy gels in a windy lay-by.

The ones who post loved-up pictures on social media but argue all the time

This pair use social media solely for the purpose of posting gooey pictures of themselves hugging with captions like ‘My world’ and ‘4eva’. However, the second the phone is put down they’re bitching at each other about whose turn it is to put the bins out while secretly wishing they could summon the courage to break up.

The ones who’ve been together since school

Because they started going out when they were 16, they think they’re soulmates. The truth is they’ve been together so long and are so scarily dependent on each other they’re suffering some kind of reciprocal Stockholm syndrome and simply can’t function as separate entities anymore.

The ones with wildly different future plans

He wants kids, but she doesn’t. She wants to move to Milan but he loves going down the pub in Luton. He thinks polyamory is intriguing but she gets hideously jealous. And yet they insist they are made for each other and will be together forever. They won’t, and you and your own partner have already placed bets on how many more months you give it.

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