THE Bank of England is hoping that raising interest rates again will work even though it has failed to make a difference the previous 12 times.
After carefully weighing up its options, the Bank has decided to blindly plough ahead with its signature policy of making life unaffordable while crossing its fingers that everything works out somehow.
Governor Andrew Bailey said: “Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity, but he wasn’t an economist. So let’s roll the dice again and watch Britain boom.
“Maybe cranking up interest rates to five per cent will miraculously lower your mortgage? Perhaps the knock-on effect will see food prices tumbling back down to reasonable levels?
“We’ve just got to hold our nerve and try it. Not that there’s much at stake for me or my immediate colleagues as we’re all on extremely good money. I’m not too worried about the price of pasta.
“What else are we supposed to do? Give quantitative easing another whirl? That barely dug us out of a recession so it’s clearly shite. And universal basic income is off the table because Tory voters hate anyone getting anything for free.
“No, another punishing interest rate hike is the only logical solution. We’re close to beating our personal best so let’s all dig in and see what happens. I’ve worn my lucky socks so that should help.
“And if it all goes wrong, see you in a couple of months when we’ll raise it again.”
