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Your penis is the perfect size, lies woman

A WOMAN has declared that her partner’s penis is neither too big nor too small, while averting her eyes at the last part. 

Lauren Hewitt made the statement after being asked her honest opinion by boyfriend Tom Logan, who has been unusually quiet ever since.

While in bed with Logan, Hewitt told him: “It’s not, like, massive, but it’s definitely not small. It’s honestly just right. For me, anyway.

“Some people think bigger is always better but that’s not true. Not that yours isn’t big, of course. It’s actually the perfect size. I wouldn’t want it to be any bigger, that’s for sure. Not that I’ve thought about it or anything.”

Continuing for a bit too long, Hewitt added: “If you’re wondering why all my dildos are bigger it’s because they don’t make them in, er, ‘slightly larger than average’ size. 

“Hey, that’s a business opportunity! Hahaha! Let’s talk about something else.”

Logan said: “If I’d got an embarrassingly small cock that always leaves her sexually unsatisfied Lauren would have told me, right? Yeah. Of course she would.”

Can entertainment have enough right-wing voices? By Rosie Holt MP

I WRITE this with a mixture of mirth and trepidation. Mirth, as I have just read the hilarious yet informative new Daily Mail column about diet pills by Boris Johnson. 

But trepidation because the Daily Mash (which I have been assured is in its own way just as influential as the Mail) has asked me, Rosie Holt, MP of Akenfield West, to pen my own column. 

Can I match the wordsmith Boris Johnson? Sadly, I don’t have the gravitas and experience to write about the important issue everyone wants to know about: diet pills. 

But I also never went to Eton, which means I am lacking in the ability to write with strength and humour, instead having to fight the feminine urge to just cross and uncross my legs to distract my opponent/reader. 

I originally wrote two pages for this article but the editor assured me that, like funds for the arts, less is best, so I have penned just a few paragraphs. I had to cut my section about diet pills – I couldn’t match Boris’s honesty and compassion about chorizo and cheddar.  

So in my first of what I hope will be many articles for the Daily Mash (I asked the editor about this several times and she said ‘it was a matter for the House and not the editor’, a strong decisive answer which reflects leadership I am compelled to admire) I thought I would address politicians like myself who take second jobs in entertainment. 

One of my constituents, Barry, who is recovering in hospital after being run over by a ride-on mower, emailed me to say, ‘I am so looking forward to reading your column where I hope there is something funny about chorizo, argh my leg it hurts.’ 

As a reader you may be asking what myself, Boris and Nadine Dorries have to offer in the world of newspaper columns, or broadcasting like Jacob Rees-Mogg, Lee Anderson, Esther McVey, Philip Davies and Nigel Farage. Or reality TV like Matt Hancock. 

You may wonder why I, an MP, am starring in Rosie Holt: That’s Politainment! at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe, at the Pleasance from August 2nd-27th. Well, to answer your questions, what is serious here is the priority of the British People and that we stop the boats. Plus I have reached my word limit. Stop the boats. Chorizo. 

Rosie Holt: That’s Politainment! runs at Pleasance Courtyard 2 at 8pm at the Edinburgh Fringe from 2nd August to 27th August (except 15th August). 

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