PUPILS at a school in East Sussex have discovered that hassling the teacher about transgender issues is more fun than work. Here’s how to bring any sex ed lesson to a standstill.
Ask questions in bad faith
Unless you’ve got previous, your teacher won’t realise you’re an annoying little shit trying to waste time until break, so force them to earnestly answer questions like these:
● Are there really 5,000 sexes?
● Is there a word for men who are attracted to other men?
● Could I get married to a shark? (This may end the questions.)
Think of a stupid version of ‘I identify as X’
Wankers still find the old ‘I identify as a helicopter’ gag incredibly hilarious, so get a cheap laugh from the class by thinking of an equally stupid one, eg. ‘What if someone identifies as the moon?’ You’ll definitely be the wag of the factory canteen in whatever shit job you end up in later in life.
Ask the teacher intrusive personal questions
You hold all the cards here. Ask a male teacher if he’s gay. He can’t tell you to f**k off as you deserve, and if he says ‘My private life is not what we’re discussing’ that’s funny because he’s denying being a gay, and if he confidently says ‘Yes, I am gay’, that’s funny too because he IS a gay. Also ask a nervous young female teacher what sexual position she prefers. If she’s in tears by the end of the lesson, it has been a productive day’s learning.
Ruthlessly exploit paranoia about woke
Play on your teacher’s fear of using offensive, ‘unwoke’ language by saying ‘Don’t you mean genderqueer, miss?’, implying they’re way behind Young People on gender issues, when all you’re doing is pissing around until you can throw chips at your mates at lunchtime.
Feign shock at anything sexual in a sex ed class
Despite being a member of the internet porn generation, if a teacher so much as mentions, say, oral sex, gasp in shock as if they’ve just asked to come on your tits there and then. Then giggle inanely for five minutes. You have proved you’re incapable of having a mature discussion about a topic that may be of genuine concern to some pupils. However you’re legally required to receive some sort of sex education, so you win.
Kick up a wholly unnecessary fuss
Funny, isn’t it, how something you didn’t give a toss about five minutes ago becomes a burning matter of principle when you can avoid actual work? Argue vehemently about the definition of a woman, deploying such devastating arguments as: ‘My MUM, right, is not my DAD, yeah? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!’ Then promptly forget about it the second the bell goes and you can slope off for a vape.
Get the press involved
Britain’s mental right-wing press will be dying to cast you as the innocent victim if there’s some storm-in-a-teacup incident relating to sex education. Try the Times or Telegraph – they never fact-check anything about ‘woke’. Claim a teacher made the entire class prove you weren’t bigoted speciesists by wanking off the school tortoise. It’ll be on the front page for a week.
Hum
If you’ve got the misfortune to have a hard teacher who won’t put up with your bullshit and instantly shuts down your attempts to waste time, try the tried-and-tested tactic of humming. It’s got nothing to do with gender and sexuality, but Christ it’s f**king annoying.
