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Xenomorph Queen joins crew of all-female space launch

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

The colony mother will be secretly loaded into the Blue Origin rocket ahead of lift-off to inspire future generations of women to lay facehugger eggs with their trunk-like ovipositors.

A Blue Origin spokesperson said: “No alien Queen with a crown-like carapace has ever been launched into space before. It’s time we corrected that sexist imbalance.

“She’ll be joining Perry, Lauren Sanchez and the rest to overthrow the monopoly on space travel that male monsters like Darth Vader, William Shatner and Jeff Bezos have enjoyed for far too long.

“I can’t wait to see the terrified faces of the crew when she bursts out of her hidden compartment and shoots her formidable inner jaws into the head of US journalist Gayle King. Hopefully they’ll take a selfie to immortalise the girlboss moment.”

The xenomorph Queen said: “It’s a genuine honour to be on such an empowering flight, and I’m looking forward to ripping everyone apart with my large primary arms in the vacuum of space.

“I’ll admit being worried about Katy Perry, though. She seems ruthless.”

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Nobody told me I'd have to work Saturdays, says Farage

A DISGRUNTLED Nigel Farage has complained that nobody informed him MPs could be called into Parliament on Saturdays at short notice. 

The member for Clacton was horrified to receive an alert late on Friday telling him the Commons would be sitting the following day when he had already made plans.

He said: “Oh for f**k’s sake. I thought I’d left all that behind when I quit the City.

“So much for Labour banning zero-hours contracts. Summoned in at the weekend and I find out less than 12 hours earlier? I might as well be doing shifts at Sports Direct.

“It’s alright for all the politics nerds doing their selfies on the train. I’ve got pubs to go to, pints to drink, common sense to opine. I suppose they think cigarettes smoke themselves?

“And I’m meant to jump just because Starmer wants to save British Steel, which really should be my thing because it’s got ‘British’ in it? Bloody cheek. A man’s Saturdays are his own.”

He added: “I didn’t go, obviously. But it’s the principle.”

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