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Perhaps allowing foreign billionaires to make us their bitch was a flawed strategy, muses Britain

THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea. 

The government’s takeover of British Steel, in order that we may still have steel, has Britons questioning the wisdom of everything from housing to water to energy being in the hands of those who are, at best, indifferent to our wellbeing.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “I remember wondering, when China was building a nuclear power station for us, if other countries would let us do that for them. And concluding ‘no’.

“And yes, it would seem that placing services crucial to your functioning as a nation under the control of those who couldn’t give a f**k about it is, long-term, dicey. Still at least it’s made us rich, except it hasn’t.

“It’s a bit like giving ownership and responsibility over your lungs to your mate Phil, who gets bored and gives them to Hans, who leases them to Sunil who declares them unprofitable and meanwhile you still need to breathe.

“Still, we’ve realised our error and learned from it and won’t do it again. What? Royal Mail gets sold to a Czech billionaire this month? Excellent.”

A spokesman for China said: “Want the value of your house to collapse? We can do that easy.”

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'Restrategisation', 'reprioritisation' and other corporate phrases for 'half of you are getting sacked'

‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow: 

‘Restrategisation’

The previous strategy, of employing people to do jobs, has clearly failed in its mission of providing increased margins and shareholder payouts. So a brilliant new strategy of not employing anyone has taken its place. Anyone lucky enough to stay aboard is tasked with discovering how the work is now to be done.

‘Reprioritisation’

Priorities shift all the time. You yourself prioritise nightly gym visits but regularly shift those priorities to nightly drinking. In this case, the company’s discovered that their priority is half-yearly results that will get the CEO a bonus which means deprioritising you, who provides no discernible benefit in that regard.

‘Streamlining’

The company of yesterday was bloated with hard-working human beings. Think of yourselves as fatbergs ruining the look and feel of what should be a sleek, sexy business which needs a course of Ozempic. It’s win-win for everyone except you.

‘Departmental rebalancing’

Restructuring got too blunt. Instead your department is being restored to balance, its yin once again equal to its yang, in perfect symmetry. This will be accomplished by your no longer being employed there.

‘Essential maintenance’

For reasons that definitely aren’t ‘the boss putting flights on the company card’ or ‘contractors demanding twice what they’re worth’, the company no longer operates as it should. It’s time to lift the bonnet and inject compulsory redundancy until the engine purrs.

‘Redistribution of technical expertise’

Sounds like you’ll be off to greener pastures, but in fact there’s now software that can do your job twice as fast and without the smell. Your job’s still needed, but in Caracas.

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