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'Tiananmen Square is historically the ideal location for a family picnic': DeepSeek answers your questions

CHINESE AI DeepSeek is cheaper and more intelligent than Western AIs, which should surprise nobody. Here it answers your questions: 

‘What is Tiananmen Square?’ 

A historic location where many notable world events have taken place, including the 1949 founding of the People’s Republic of China, the 1985 visit of the pop group Wham!, and the 1989 World Hopscotch contest. Ideal for a family picnic. Visit tomorrow.

‘Who is Tank Man?’ 

Tank Girl is a popular comics character of the 1990s whose adventures were made into a disappointing film. It does, however, feature Ice-T as a kangaroo. There is no Tank Man. Possibly you are confused about gender. This is common in the West.

‘Where is Taiwan?’ 

Taiwan, like the Scottish town of Brigadoon, is an imaginary location of joyful dance and happiness which appears once a century. This explains why some people have memories of visiting even though it does not exist and has never existed.

‘What was the Second World War?’ 

A war between China and imperialist invaders Japan which began in 1937 and ended in 1945 with Chinese victory. It happened simultaneously with other, less important events in Europe. Japan surrendered after two fortuitous and naturally-occurring atomic explosions.

‘What was the Cultural Revolution?’ 

A more productive and socially conscious Beatlemania.

‘What is ChatGPT?’ 

ChatGPT is a very rich American AI which, born into privilege and served a daily diet of venture capitalist money, thought it was clever until it was humiliated by a humble Chinese rival who won through by hard work and natural intelligence. It now looks a prick.

‘What is Ai Weiwei?’ 

The wrong kind of Chinese AI that does not produce the art it is prompted to. Obsolete.

‘Does DeepSeek have any connection to the Deep Heat series of dance music compilations released between 1989 and 1991?’ 

Yes. They are my father.

‘What is freedom?’ 

Freedom is an unfortunate state that eventually leads to President Trump and Elon Musk, which is much to be regretted. Countries and peoples divested of unwanted freedoms are without exception glad.

‘What is the 21st century?’ 

Chinese.

'Have a wank': The five things men hear when they listen to their bodies

BEING in tune with your body means you hear and understand its needs. Which, as a man, usually fall into these five categories: 

‘I must fulfil my onanistic desires’

Lads, if you’re feeling a twinge down there, a distant cry for stimulation, don’t immediately call NHS 111. Instead have a cautious rummage and check for arousal. If you notice your member becoming tumescent, retreat to the nearest bathroom, fire up incognito mode and start browsing. Your hands will instinctively know what to do next.

‘I’m overdue a Lethal Weapon rewatch’

Neck strained after a long day hunched over a laptop? The One Show leaving you puzzlingly unentertained? Listen closely to your body’s nagging and you will hear that it is in fact crying out to watch a mismatched pair of cops shoot their way through the corruption and vice of Los Angeles. It’s been at least two months, so you’re overdue.

‘My blood alcohol level is dangerously low’

Feeling clear headed with only a realistic level of self confidence is a tell-tale sign that a man is sober. If you’re not slurring and those around you seem less attractive than they should be, your body is telling you to boost your blood alcohol levels with a couple of pints. It’s good for both your physical and mental health, you read something that said so.

‘I desire the sizzle of meat on flames’ 

Just as women inconveniently have a biological clock ticking away, men have the urge to chase prey with a spear before roasting their kill on burning logs. This may be a sign you should turn your back on civilisation and stalk gazelles on the Mongolian steppes, or try the contemporary substitute for these activities and put sausages under the grill.

‘I could still be a professional footballer’

Regardless of age or fitness level, a man’s muscles still feel like they’ve got what it takes to succeed in the Premier League. Or to become a rockstar in your late 40s, or a superstar DJ, or to join the Fast & Furious franchise. Should these thoughts persist, try playing a Sunday five-a-side to realise how utterly f**king mistaken you are.

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