By Tom Logan, aged 46 and discreet
WOMEN have such notions. For example, they may feel a married man with a disposable income would look down on them for wanting no-strings-attached sex. And that is wrong.
I’m confident hundreds of nubile beauties aged under 25, or up to 30 if they look under 25, would happily be seduced by me were it not for their fear of being judged for enabling adultery.
Fear not, my lovelies, I would never be so close-minded. I do not slut-shame, I slut-compliment. And indeed slut-complement.
For what is marriage when one actually thinks about it? It is a piece of paper. I am not married in my heart and have not been for some time. Tell her all this? Why, you would have me be so cruel as to break her heart?
Such a revelation may mean she can never love again. I am simply too kind to cause unnecessary pain to the woman who raises my children and does my ironing.
I am, however, bold enough to live outside society’s rules. The strictures of monogamy are merely an attempt at patriarchal control, of which I – a freelance graphic designer, for which read bohemian artist – stand outside.
I hoped, when I glimpsed you across the bar in your crop top and mini skirt, that you too were a forward-thinking intellectual capable of defining your own morality as opposed to having it dictated to you.
However, I see that the bourgeoisie has, presumably through the medium of Love Island, instilled in you the outdated monogamous norms the free-thinking throw off. You do not endeavour to know a person but assign them a box simply because they wear a wedding ring.
Fight it. Be ready to have your mind opened and your soul awakened in a motorway Premier Inn in Chorley every other Tuesday. Rest assured that at my regional sales meeting my thoughts will have only been of you.
Never mind. There are other women out there willing to join the revolution. I hold out my hand and ask them to hold it. And also my dick.
